Years
by Basaltic-Fox
Summary: Jowan thinks about Surana. Slightly Jowan/Surana from the right angle.


The notion of Hisaye Surana as a child was a far-fetched one. She moved with the leisurely elegance and grace of water, but her demeanor was chilly. It had been since she came to the tower. Jowan remembered her first day. They had both been fairly young. He was a boy of ten, and she an elf of only eight. He was loud and gangly and she was quiet and tiny. She hadn't spoken above a murmur for a week, and he never saw her smile. It was almost a month or two before he saw her eyes. It had taken almost a year for him to figure out she was just shy. They talked, he teased her the first time she started a conversation herself.

She'd come to him with a book, her focus on the pages, pointing out something she found interesting. He picked on her, and she gave him that acidic look she did so well. They were fourteen and sixteen when she'd stopped talking to him and looking him in the eyes again, but she denied it when he brought it up. Sometimes he'd catch her looking at him, through her hair surreptitiously, and she'd stiffen and her eyes would slide away like she hadn't been in the first place.

It stopped after a while. She was still quiet, but he'd learned that she expressed a lot with various looks. She had a sly look, which was tilting her chin down a tiny bit and narrowing her eyes in an almost-smile. She had that look that... well the only way to describe it was "No, Jowan, and I mean it this time." That was when she somehow managed to look down her nose at him, even though he'd always been taller than her. She had her "we really are friends, I promise" look, where there was just softness in her eyes and around the corners of her mouth. There was the "you know that's a bad idea" look where she tilted her head and raised an eyebrow just a little. They'd based a friendship off of him talking at length, his admittedly sometimes bad plans, and her speaking less than half time he did. And he was used to it.

He also remembered the first time he really thought about the fact that she was a girl. A pretty girl. A pretty girl who he'd been friends with for years. Of course he developed feelings for her. Every time he went to make mention of it, though, the words died when she looked at him inquisitively, and he'd say never mind, it was stupid any way. The feelings passed after a while and they were still friends. He even thought about talking to her about blood magic. He figured she was logical enough to not want to throw him to the Chantry. He ended up re-thinking that too. Not for lack of trust in her, not at all. But because he didn't want her to be involved if someone did catch him.

When he'd met Lily, his first thought was how not like Hisaye she was. She was lighter and softer and so much warmer in the torchlight. He did suppose he might have been being a bit silly in hindsight, but he was sure he'd fallen in love. That was another thing he kept meaning to tell her about but he felt ridiculous every time he tried to bring it up. Not to mention the fact that Lily had taken vows. They'd both be in trouble. So many secrets were springing up between them. It left him unsettled.

Her Harrowing made him more nervous than it seemed to make her. She was nervous, he could tell. She seemed so confident, but she'd only fall asleep the nights before while pouring over spell books. When she left for the Harrowing chamber, she carried herself with as much grace as he would have expected, but her hands were balled into fists. He'd asked if she was scared. She'd looked at him coolly and stated, as fact, that she wasn't going to fail. And he could tell she meant it.

He paced in the apprentice quarters, not expecting to get much sleep until she came back. When they brought her in, too many hours later, it took a lot of effort for him not to run over and interrogate them on the Harrowing. He waited as long as he could before poking her awake. He was worried and said as much, before semi-accidentally firing questions at her. She'd dismissed them, as he'd expected but he still hoped he'd get something out of her. After belatedly telling her the First Enchanter wanted to see her, he went to see Lily, hoping she could pick him out of his sulking.

He didn't get the reprieve he was looking for though, as she not only confirmed his suspicions that he wasn't going to take the Harrowing, but also informed him that they suspected him of dabbling in blood magic. Fear hit his stomach like a block of ice. How could they have known? He'd been so careful. He hadn't left anything out, he hadn't left any trails... She said she'd overheard the templars. He squashed the fear of being caught as best he could and passed the rest off as horror at the idea of the Rite of Tranquility. He had to escape. It was his only option. He would leave and Lily would come with him because she was breaking her vows anyway and Hisaye... Hisaye would be fine. She was a full-fledged mage now. She had things to leave. Still, leaving her was the only thing to give him pause.

Leaving Lily in the chapel, he ran to catch up with her. At least she'd know one of his secrets now. She teased him about Lily, but with so much subtlety that he was probably the only one who noticed. He didn't like asking her for help. It brought the chance to get her in trouble again. But Irving had always liked her, and as long as he didn't tell her she really was helping a blood mage... she shouldn't get in too much trouble. She asked if he was, and looked at him, and he was sure she was pulling the answer out of his mind and no amount of lying could cover it. He lied anyway. He kept talking while he had the nerve and asked for her help.

He saw her shoulders twitch in a short, darkly amused laugh. She agreed, without much prompting and he was struck with gratitude. She was skeptical about his plan, and he couldn't blame her. She opened her mouth to speak, but Lily cut her off, suggesting she go alone. It was a valid point and Hisaye nodded curtly before leaving to take care of the plan. She returned after a bit, looking vexed, but she pulled the rod out of her sleeve enough for them to see before slipping it back in and asking if they were ready.

Getting through the first door had been easy enough, and he'd only felt a hint of affection for Lily as she talked about the history of the door. This was hardly the time. The rod didn't work on the second door, as they'd planned and Jowan felt the cold fear in the pit of his stomach again. Something was wrong. He reached for the magic for a spell, but nothing happened. His eyes met with Hisaye's. She'd noticed too. He filled Lily in and he felt a wave of slightly irrational anger at both her and the templars. Couldn't she have though this through earlier? He glanced at Hisaye again, to find her giving Lily one of the most withering looks he'd ever seen. It was rather like her "Jowan, you idiot, what made you think this was a good idea" look, but much more intense. It was at her suggestion that they continued through the other door, hoping to find a way though. The lock melted but he heard a metallic thump and spun acting on instinct. Hisaye followed suit and they made quick work of the... guard or whatever it was. More of them sprung to life the further they went, as well as some bizarre little dragon things he'd never seen before.

Breaking through the wall was almost too easy. He half-thought it was a trap, but when they found his phylactery he couldn't help but marvel at how such a small thing could have such a strong hold on anyone. As he dropped it and it shattered on the stone, he felt like he could breathe easier. Like a weight that was on his chest had been removed that he didn't know was there in the first place. His eyes fixed on his blood on the carpet and stone. Such a small thing. He shook his head and rushed Lily out of the chamber, Hisaye was already tapping her staff impatiently against the ground by the door. She waited a second for them to catch up, still rather irritated looking.

Reckless glee overtook him as they emerged from below the tower and he turned to face Hisaye, almost ready to hug her until her ears popped off when her eyes darted past him and she stiffened. His heart sank as he heard Greagoir's voice behind him. Hisaye was silent, watching, as they talked about Lily as though she was a thing. A tool. Jowan felt the overwhelming disappointment shift slightly towards anger. He almost winced when Greagoir turned on Hisaye. He opened his mouth to try and talk her out of it, but Irving cut him off, daring to say he was disappointed.

Jowan lost control of his tongue for a second and snapped at him. He was disappointed in her? That was ridiculous. She was saving his life, and what was Irving doing? Nothing more than lying down before the Chantry! She had the guts to stand up for something and he was disappointed in her? No. He heard her quietly behind him, her voice low, cautionary. All she had to say was his name. He bit down on what could well have been an impressive rant about Irving's hypocrisy in time to hear his own death sentence. He was still reeling when the Knight-Commander continued.

It took Lily's terrified voice to shake him out of it and his eyes darted between her and the advancing templars. His brain started working fast, running through and discarding options. He could try and knock out the templars with normal magic. He could try and bargain for Lily. He could plead to Hisaye for help again. He saw all of them fail. He only had one option. With a fair amount of resignation he pulled a dagger from the back of his belt and stabbed it through his hand. The pain was both stunning and clarifying as blood splashed from the wound to the floor where it almost seemed to pulse with power. He used it, pulling at the life force within it, and sending it crashing into the templars. The floor was splattered with blood, there was a bit on his face and down the front of his robes.

He tucked the dagger away again and applied pressure to the still-bleeding wound on his hand, before even daring to look up at either of them. His eyes met with Lily's as she backed away from him like he was an abomination. He made excuses. Promised he was going to give it up. Promised he was going to give all magic up, and that he just wanted to be with her, implored her to come with him. She broke eye contact and wouldn't listen to a word. He looked to the crumpled bodies on the ground, knowing he didn't have long. He looked at Hisaye, almost more worried about what she would think. As he watched, the look of betrayal on her face faded, leaving it cold as she looked away from him, but made no move to stop him. He left the tower. He left her. It was that or die. He still wonders what if things had been different.


End file.
